Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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