dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
