watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
