Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
