Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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