I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i now understand why vodka
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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