My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
