We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
