Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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