Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
