He kissed a someone with a penis
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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