Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
