Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
