Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
