no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
