i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
