Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
