Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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