After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
