There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
