Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
