so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
