I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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