I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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