I wish I could punch you in the face.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
