my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
