Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
