the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
