I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
