I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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