You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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