I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
