Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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