I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
