they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
