"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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