I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
