Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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