Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
