I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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