Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
