I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm passing your future prison.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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