i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
