There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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