Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
