We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
