my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
