in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
