That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
