Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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