I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
