i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
