I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
