She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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