her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
