LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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