So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize