This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
