Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
